What Happens when YouTube removes comments?

This morning I woke up to a notification on YouTube. A comment had been left on one of my videos;

I read this and, in my blurry eyed, just woken up state I had no idea what this guy was talking about.

The back story;

I posted a video to YouTube on the 22nd of October 2016 (the video is at the bottom of this post) but fo now, here is the link (https://youtu.be/voWaV4RhIrk). His first comment was, “Fucking Whore. Hahaha.” And of course like a normal person I just ignore it. I didn’t remove it because I hate censoring people, and I would like everyone who watching this video to see the idiot.

Hey man, I’m happy to let people express their thoughts and opinions, but there is no need to be a dick about it. His comment was about a month ago and I’d frankly forgotten about it, until someone else commented about this beautiful woman covering her body in tattoos and piercings, I replied with something like, “It’s her choice to make, not yours.” And like normal people, her (the commenter) and me, that was that, she expressed her opinion, I acknowledged it, we moved past it.

Now, the guy up there, who made that “Fucking whore” comment, he wasn’t the same, I made my reply after replying to the last comment. I can’t remember what that comment was and I would go check, but I can’t because YouTube seems to have removed the entire thread. This threat went on for about a week, there were dozens of comments. I have to admit I did kinda cock it up at the start, but this guy just kept throwing out the insults to another guy who comment only the once, to the subject of the video and of course to me. At the start I tried to figure out who he though she was a “whore”, he said that the video was evidence. I disagreed. He didn’t like me disagreeing with him, and that was my mistake, trying to understand him. You see, to me it never made any sense, but then it’s not up to me to make sense of it. If it makes sense to him to call her a whore, and to truely believe that, then it is what it is. This only needs to make sense to him. And in that there it’s no chance of swaying his mind to see what he called “Heathen Logic”.

I at some point mentioned that I’d never delete the thread because it showed the existence of this guy as the “sad pathetic little man that you seem to be”. So when Youtube, In their infinite wisdom, delete the thread I wake up to that comment (Top). And of course, he thinks I removed them. Which means YouTube has made me look like the “Fucking Pussy” he describes.

You guys are, at this point going to wonder why I went so deep with this, now gone, thread? Honestly, I was bored. And sometimes when I’m bored I seek out people like him to keep myself occupied. I did leave the thread at one point, for a few days, but bordom struck and I was right back in with a different tact. I saw him like a human being in pain, reaching out for help, for someone to talk to.

So with the original thread gone I wake up to that comment (top), and this thread ensued;

This is one of these conversation that would have been so much easier in person because he would have seen me laughing at him rather than him thinking I was angry. Though to be fair I am a little pissed about that thread being removed.

All you guys have to go on is what I have said here, my side, how I saw it. Which is only one side of this. Left this name exposed in these comment screen caps so you’d know that, if you ever see that name or that picture, just ignore it. Handle better than I did.


I was able to find these still in the Google notification tap on Chrome. I tried to find them in Google+ but there gone. Also I haven’t been able to find my replies/comments yet but I’m still looking. Again this all looks one sided and I am sorry for that, if I’m able to track down my comments I’ll post them too. Where there is an image with two comments on it, read the bottom one first;


Expansion | Editing

You know how a creative mind never stops ticking over, the ideas coming in quick succession. This is great if you’re a writer because we need those fucking ideas to write. Without them we’re just mindless idiots staring at a computer screen, drooling on the keyboard while our eyes burn from pixels that are to bright at 3am.

The problem is it never really stops working, sleepless nights even insomnia take over our life’s. We hate it.

But we also love it.

So, when you’ve just finished a first draft of a novel, left it for a month or so, then given it a once over you start to play with it, restructure it slightly, but never really change anything significant. Until that moment your brain tells you, “Your book would work better if you added this thing you never thought of before,”.

You think that it’s a wonderful idea, and then more ideas start popping up, now you have another sub-plot and you main plot takes up another six chapters. One’s you never counted on, which means you have to figure out where in your novel they’re going to sit, and what you’re going to have to change before hand so it doesn’t look like you just shoehorned them in after the fact.


Also, it might, as in my case, mean that you are going to have significant changes after that new addition. New out looks for your main characters, a new urgency, new stress and a whole bunch of new chapters to write.

It’s then you realise your book, the one you thought you finished months ago, ain’t finished. And frankly it never will be.

Your book will never be finished, even when it’s on book shelves in book shops, you’re still going to want to change things. Paper/Hard back books can only be changed with new editions being printed. eBooks, you just make the changes and re-upload to the service that you’re selling them through.

Sorry for the shortness of this post. I wrote it a few days ago as was supposed to expand it yesterday and today but yesterday I injured my knee at work, and due to incredible pain my mind just wan’t up it, and today I started off at the hospital with a physiotherapist, I got home and did some more, then, got very bored and fell asleep. I’m used to working all day so being at home is just weird, I got bored and tired and sleepy, so I didn’t finish this post off.

Maybe I’ll revisit the topic sometime later.


It F**king Broke..! | Whisky

If you follow me on social media, which you totally should because I’m fucking awesome and not at all a total narcissist, you might be aware that I kinda sorta love Whisky.

That’s whiskly spelt W.H.I.S.K.Y. Not W.H.I.S.K.E.Y. You see, I’m a Scotch man. Love the stuff, can’t get enough. I could run down a list of my 29 bottles (of which 1 Irish, 3 American, and 1 Japanese), but I won’t because I don’t want you running away at this point. At the very least get half way down the page.

The most expensive bottle I own was £155, and is The Dalmore King Alexander III (3rd). This particular whisky is one I drink sparingly, I’ll have one glass if I feel like having something amazing. To treat myself. Dalmore is one of my favourite brands.

Along with Lagavulin and Longmorn, they make up my top three. Of these you have The Dalmore Cigar Malt, the Lagavulin 16 and the Longmorn 16. All great Whiskies. All to be drunk when I feel like something special. Like when I’m listening to my original (plum & red) pressing of Led Zeppelins fourth album on vinyl. This shit is like the whisky equivalent to Zoso…


Tru Dat!!!

I ain’t cutting no shade mutha fucka…

I try to sound like a youth but it always comes off sounding just fucking stupid.

I always succeed at stupid.

So, to-day I bought two more whiskies, I never intended to buy these two in particular, it just turned out that way. I was supposed to buy Glenfiddich’s 12, 15, and 18’s to replace the ones I finished off during the week. So I go into the city to my favourite whisky dispensary, the Whiskey Exchange (just off charging cross road), it was raining when I got out of the tube station, but I wasn’t going to let a few drops of rain (a lot) stop me, I walked like I owned the fucking city. I got wet, who fucking cares I was going to buy some Whisky.

When I got there I noticed that they didn’t have any Glenfiddich 12, and so my mind, and eyes, wondered. I saw the Glenfiddich Malt Masters Edition and figured, “Yeah, why not?”


Then My eyes found the Longmorn’s. The 16 I have, the distillers edition I have. The 15, I didn’t have. Frankly a no brainer. Like I said, I’m good at stupid.


When I got home I wanted, as always, to make a video of my new additions. I do this with books and vinyl. I set up my phone with a new video recording app called FilMic Pro.


You see FilMic Pro can be used with a remote app on my iPad, so I can use the better, 4K rear camera instead of the lower res front facing camera on my phone. The image appears on the iPad, I frame myself and hit record. Sounds easy, right?

It usually is, I set up a 2k recording, and got started…

That’s when shit started to go wrong, because It looked like the camera was focused on the book shelf behind me rather than my face, and excuse my narcissism here but I kinda wanted my face in focus, you know? So there was that nonsense. I tasted the glenfiddich and moved on to the Longmorn 15, the second most expensive bottle of Whisky I own at £135… I unwrapped the foil from the top, I gripped the wooden top, and gave it a light twist… That is when I realised the cork was broke, the top came off, below;


As you can see, less than half the cork is attached. Leaving the rest still in the bottle. The problem I had was to remove the rest without getting any in the whisky. It doesn’t ruin the drink like it might with wine, but it does look dirty. I figured a cork screw, for obvious reasons, might work best, I twisted it in slowly, hoping not to push the remaining cork inside the bottle. But when I retracted the cork screw the cork just fell apart leaving big lumps in the whisky. I got most of it out but I still had a problem. How was I going to remove this;


My first thought was, simply, “FUCK IT!!!!!!” I may have also shouted “CUUUUUUUNT!” I rambled on in the video about paying 135 quid for a bottle of scotch, and at that price you don’t expect this shit to happen, am I right? I taste tested the Longmorn 15 but inside I was still screaming and ended up just procrastinating about cork in my booze.

I hit the stop recording button, but it didn’t change. You see it’s supposed to change from a solid red button to a white button with a white ring;


It didn’t do this, it stayed red. It basically crashed and evidently it didn’t save the video. Even though I was missing 5GB’s of storage space on my phone (I had to delete the app to get it back) So, I wasted 15 minutes recording a video that didn’t save properly, and I “corked” the second most expensive bottle of whisky I had…

You can imagine I wasn’t very happy… I took a few minutes to relax, because lets face it, this ain’t shit… Annoying, yes. Frustrating, yes. But can I really have my day ruined by this? No.

I grabbed the cotton buds (Q-Tips) from the bathroom and proceeded to slowly remove the cork from the bottle. I got most of it out, there is still a little in there, but nothing I’m to bothered about. It’s a drag, yes. But I’ll get over it.

Oh and by the way, the Longmorn 15 is A-MAZ-ZING!!!

And The Editing Continues?

Lagavulin nights.

That means I’ll be drinking one of four, or all four, Lagavulin’s in my Whisky collection.

That being said, this Phase one edit isn’t going great guns at the moment. Frankly it’s the first time I’ve done it. Yep, never before have I taken a book this far. My previous book was so bad that after the first edit… that one where I give it a quick read, that I couldn’t bring myself to continue with it.

So far I’m liking my second, September Rain. It needs a shit tonne of work, but I think I can do this.

“I think I can do this.”

Who the fuck am I kidding!?

I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, I have no fucking idea if what I’m doing is the right thing to do…

Sure, sure It’s only a book and I can go back and forth over and over again, if I fuck it up and can just go back, do it again… But the thing is, I don’t want to go around in circles. I kinda need this to work, the sooner the better .



Rushing gets me know where.

Take your time. You have a job. You’re pretty good at it.

Yeah, a day job, then I came home and get on with my other job, sitting in front of my iPad typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, typing…….etc.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

Working all day and then working for 3 or 4 hours after that means that I’m always looking for a distraction. I’ll use the excuse that I’m just taking a break.

That’s a lie.

I guess I’m just afraid I can’t do it, and so I make excuses so I don’t have too.


Fuck it!

Not My Netflix?

It all started after the Formula 1 race in Hungry when I received an Email


Netflix was informing me that I had changed my email address. Thing is, I hadn’t.

I figured it was a glitch, I mean this shit happens, right? So I open the app and go ambling through unable to understand anything because I can’t read Spanish, yes, this mother fucker changed the language settings too. I manage to get to the accounts page and notice something out of the ordinary. The email address on this account, isn’t mine. (should have been obvious by the email I received);


I know it’s bad form to “drop docs” but I don’t fucking care, this piece of shit basically stole my account from me. All the payment details were still mine, obviously. I couldn’t change the password back because Ney had changed that too. This meant I had lost my account but was still paying for it.


I also figured out that the email provider likes anonymous accounts, and encourages it. I figure that the Neyalex3@yopmail.com address is gone now.

This is partly my fault though, my password was pretty basic, something that would be easier to type out using the apple remote for the Apple TV… Quick and simple I figured would be best. I tried and I tried to regain control but just found myself going around in circles.

So I went back to the email, at the bottom there was a phone number. I called it and a nice gentlemen, with some basic information from me, was able to change my account email address back to my own, and send me through a change of password request.

My password is now far more complex.

All in all this took maybe 30 minutes.

Because I never log out of my account, I still had access to it. This is why I was about to navigate and figure out Ney’s email address. Needless to say I sent that piece of shit a message.

Let this be a lesson to you all, have a different password for EVERYTHING, and change it periodically. It’s a pain in the arse I know, having to spend an hour every few months changing passwords, but it’ll keep your shit safer. I use an app called ‘Cryptical’.


No, that is not my Netflix password.

You can change the number of characters in the password, in this case it’s set to 20. I can have lowercase, uppercase, numbers and symbols. I think it goes up to 99 characters. I use this app to change all my passwords, and as I rarely log out of anything I never have a problem, and if I do, it’s usually easy enough to tap that ‘forgot my password’ button and change it, for another random 20 character jumble.

I think that’s enough for to-day, I’m going to pour myself a whisky and edit this post.

The bastard also added all these profiles.


It must be wonderful. Stealing from people. Adding a profile for your kids, until I change the name of that profile to ‘Cunt Squirts’. Just imagine, you tell you kids that they have netflix “Yay’ and then, 30 minutes later, it’s gone… I wonder if these people like disappointing their kids?

Editing | Writing

It’s like running 27 mental marathons back to back. At the start you can’t see an end to it all. It moves slow and consumes a lot of your free time. And you never seem to see progress. It’s just a never ending journey of black and white on a paper road to nowhere.

Fuck editing!

I hate it, but it’s gotta be done, right?

As a writer it’s just part of the process. Like drinking scotch when you’re stuck in a K-hole of dysphoria. You write from the hip, or seat, or pants, or however you fucking write your novels. You write but never really pay much attention to the material because you’re fingers are typing as fast as they can in a futile attempt to keep up with your whisky addled mind, and later, once your fingers stop smoking you sit back and read it, then you find out just how fucking bad it is.

This is usually where the process of procrastination starts. You’ve realise just how bad you are at this writing thing, you’re terrible, you’re writing is pointless and you contribute nothing to literature. You wasted 6 months of your life and energy on this pointless piece of shit when you could have been out there getting laid, or something!


——————————2 weeks later——————————

You sit back, open up the file on your computer, you forgot what this was, it’s an odd name for a file ‘Big Smoking Bag Of Dicks‘, but hey, you start reading it. Then you remember what this was and you think, “fuck it, I can’t read this“. While you’re reading it, you start to change things, maybe I can make it better. You see now, with a fresh mind what you wanted this book to be about. How you wanted the reader to feel, you start changing things, you start editing the piece of shit into woven gold.

Okay maybe not woven gold, I mean if you could do that you wouldn’t be a starving artist trying to make their mark on this shit heap called Earth. You’d be weaving gold on YouTube and making a killing.

You see editing is a most important part of writing. Take this post. Right now it’s Sunday, 19:28, and between now and Wednesday when this’ll be posted, I’ll edit it a few times. Maybe it’s shit, maybe it’s the most brilliant blog post you’ve ever read, however unlikely that is. The point is, It needs to be edited.

[Edit: You guys should have seen the utter shit this blog was before I edited it.]

No one who takes blogging seriously writes a post without editing it before posting. I mean that would be stupid, right?


So we edit. Then we read it, then we edit it again, and again, and again until we hit that dead line and have no choice but to post and hope for the best. Editing is your friend, embrace it. It’s rare that when you type out a blog or a novel that you impart yourself into the piece right off the bat. A first “draft” will usually be basic in tone and voice. Like if Siri were to write a book. Or better yet, find a book online, high-light a section and get Siri to read it aloud, it looses all meaning when that monotonous bitch reads it. Editing allows you to find your voice and insert it into your work.

Outside of writing blog posts, you might be writing a novel, in which case when you’re done editing it, send it to someone who edits shit like yours professionally. Yes, actually pay someone else to edit you work. I mean, it’s their job to make you look as good as can be.

No they can’t help you “Actually” look good, unless you’re born with top grade DNA and a style all your own, you’re pretty much shark bait in a onesie.

Editors don’t exist to fuck you over, they exist to help you produce the best work you can. So suck up that pride and let a professional edit your work because they’ll do a far better job than you ever could.

Tuesday, 25th July.

I finished the preliminary edit of my novel. This edit is a quick pass over, that allows me to get the story fresh in my mind again and I can do some spelling/grammar edits maybe change a few things. The next edits will be all about;

1. Character(s)
2. Dialogue
3. Mood/Emotion of character.

4. Style (Book specific)
5. Mood/Emotion of project (reader)

6. Description
7. Locations
8. Senses (Smell, sound, taste, feel, look).

9. Continuity
10. Plots and sub-plots
11. Over all story

12. Fluidity.

13. Is it relevant?

14. Copy Edit.

My first pass only took a week or so, the next will take longer and be more involved. I can, and probably will, write more on each of the editing steps as I go through them.

For now I start editing the characters. I’ll make some notes of each character, how I want to portray each of them, their behaviour, their personality and attitude as the book progresses. I will then read through the book one chapter at a time and make sure each character is consistent. Of course I have to pay particular attention to my main character (Protagonist).

After my first read through and edit I realised that some chapters are pretty good, but others need a lot of work maybe even a re-write or a re-think. Some felt good to read, others felt like I was pulling sand paper out of my arse. I marked them as such so I know where the shit (and a little blood) lies.

Please understand that your first draft is going to be shit. It’s going to be so bad that you’ll want to give up writing and maybe go to law school or something. Just understand a fundamental truth of writing: A first draft will always be shit.

Know it. Accept it. Move on.


Wednesday: 20:29 – 26th July

I wrote this blog post with an app called Werdsmith. I write on an iPad Pro (the big one), and when I edit posts via the WordPress website it fucks around to much and I get frustrated. So I write them in Werdsmith, then copy/paste them here once they are all edited n’ shit. This last paragraph is the final piece and I’m writing it in the WordPress thing… It’s okay though because it’s at the bottom of th page and, well, yeah. We’re all good in the hood. I poured myself a glass of Jura Scotch Whisky and I’m just finalising this post.

Editing, ain’t it cool.

Two Months Without Beer | Sunday

Sunday 16th, July.

Two mouths ago I decided to give up beer. I’d came to realise I was drinking WAAAAY too much of it and figured if I could give it up for a few months then that would mean I’m not hooked, right?

Two months later and I haven’t been craving it at all. There have been days of blistering sunshine and hard sweaty work, which under normal circumstances would cause a guy to crave the stuff, but I haven’t. At all.

Could be down to the Whisky though.

In the beginning I wondered if I could go a few days let a long a few months. I’d tried before to give up beer, and then it was only for a week. I lasted 2 days, the craving was to much and I caved. So later I wondered if I could actually do it, and if I’d be hooked on the stuff for life drinking 20+ pints from Friday to Sunday, with the odd pint or two (daily) during the week. At this point I have to admit I was a little worried that I was hooked, and unable to get off the stuff.

Last Sunday I bought my first two beers and, after drinking lots of whisky in that time (*on average one glass every other night*), the beer just didn’t have the same impact I remember it having. Even the taste was a little muted. I guess I’d rather buy a good bottle of Whisky than 20 cans of beer.

The familiar sound of the ring pull cracking and the gas trapped inside escaping, the fizz as you pour it, the smell the look, the feel the sound the taste… all to familiar. But then I drank half of the first pint and actually though it was vile. Stella Artois was never my brand but I’ve always liked it. Okay it could have just been a bad one, as you sometimes get. Not quite up to the standard you’re used to so when you get a bad one, it’s just like drinking favoured water. Maybe the next one will be better, but I’ll never find out as I gave it away, in favour of my new bottle of Whisky: Johnnie Walker Double Black;


And lets face it, I’m a writer, so I have to drink Whisky, right?

Yesterday I drank the second pint, and it was okay. Just okay, nothing special. Has single malt whisky changed my tastes bud so that beer is tasteless?

Or maybe my taste buds just expect something more.

Okay, before you guys get on my case about whisky being a minimum of 40% alcohol and beer being an average of 5%… A pint of beer is 2.4 units and a glass of 40% whisky is only 1 unit. It’s in the amount you drink.

So, yeah… Relax.

Now, today, I can drink beer again I still haven’t had cravings like I used to. I’d usually buy 4 cans on a Friday night and usually 6 to 8 cans on Saturday and Sunday (12 – 16 total). But like a good writer I went to my favourite whisky shop, The Whisky Exchange in Charing Cross and bought;


A Glenfarclas 21, a Balvenie 14, and a Longmorn Distillers Choice. I’ve tasted them, video below, and they’re all very smooth, easy going Whiskies. I could drink any of these every day.

Like any hobby or collection, once you buy enough you have to reorganise your collection. With books I had to buy an extra book shelf. With records I had to buy an extra IKEA cube thing…? But with whisky it’s just a matter of shifting them around until they all fit;



The right side and the back hide all the good stuff, the ones in front are those to be drunk and forgotten. Yes that is a hip flask… still as empty as the day I was given it because I bought a particular bottle of scotch.

I love Whisky, and will always be drinking it. If I’m out with friends and know it’s going to be a long ass night of boozing it up then sure, I’ll drink beer for a bit. But my drinking heart will always find its way back to whisky because after all, my heart rests at the bottom of a bottle of Lagavulin 16.

I want to be buried, not in a coffin, but a cask that aged Lagavulin 16.


The Road Ahead | Writing

Sunday 16th July

Right now it’s Sunday, about 1am and I can’t sleep, or at least I’m not tired enough to sleep. So I decided to pour myself a whisky, in this case a Balvenie 12 and see if I can’t get this whole new blog thing rolling.

You’ll find below a picture of a glass of Whisky.


The glass, if you’re wondering is called a Glencairn glass, and the bottle of Whisky is almost empty. I recon there is about one more pour left in it. Which is a shame because I told myself I wouldn’t buy any whisky this week… I do love a Balvenie.

I could go on for days but this post isn’t about whisky, I’ll leave that for the weekend.

So then, what is this blog about because shits-a-changin!

I going to try, once again, to get my shit together. To take writing seriously. Again. To write a blog post once a week. Again.

Okay so I’ve tried this shit out before, a few times, but I’m going about it differently this time. This time, I setting up a schedule for post blogs.

We’ll see how this goes.

I will also be taking my social media accounts more seriously, Twitter, Instagram, (Google+) and maybe YouTube. You can find links to all these beautifully dysfunctional accounts somewhere on this site (Hint: Click Socials). The point is to build up my “Brand”, I feel kinda stupid thinking of myself as a brand, but it’s where we are now, in this age of digital media.

My reasons for this is to become a writer full time, to give up my day job. Well that’s the dream anyway.

So weekdays will be used to write posts about my writing from concept to the devastating and crushing procrastination while trying too edit and rewrite that son-of-a-bitch.

I might also be postin short stories at some point in the future. These will consist of a horror series, and some Extra stories for some future project. Though those will only appear when I’m writing, and releasing those novels. When that happens I’l be sure to let you all know right here in this blog, or if you subscribe to my blogs email thing… Or social media because I’m sure I’ll post about.

Okay, I’m going to finish my whisky and go to bed.

Sunday 16th July, 12:07pm

I was supposed to wait until after the British GP to make the changes to this site, but I woke up early and just jumped right in. I was going to change the theme but, as funds are a little light right now, decided to just make my current theme better, which I think I have done. New pictures, new fonts and colours and seeing as I like it now I don’t think I’m going to make the theme change after all, I’ll keep it as is for now. If in six months I get bored I’ll make the changes.

What will I be writing about and what will I be trying to learn about?

On weekdays I’ll be writing/posting about Works in Progress, New Projects, Finished Projects, Up Dates, Writing Tips, What I’ve been Researching, and of course Procrastination.

Weekends will be about all my other interests, though I’ll only up load one post over the weekend it may contain bits and pieces of all my interests. Or maybe just a post about one of them.

What am I trying to learn?

Well, basically I’m trying to learn how to sell my Brand (Me).

I hate referring to myself as a brand, it just sounds dumb, like I should be walking around with a branded t-shirt on or something, my name in big letters encircling a picture of my stupid face. TM.

So how will I be selling my “Brand“?

Mostly through tweeting my blog posts, and retweeting and retweeting. I’ll be setting up a weekly schedule for this, and also a post on Instagram and Google+. I have put a little thought into starting a Facebook page. By little thought I mean very very little. I’ve never been a fan of that particular platform but I am aware that Facebook is one of the largest, if not the largest, social media platform. So if a time comes when I feel like I NEED (and only if I need) a Facebook account, I’ll set one up.

Where am I right now with regards to writing?

I’m currently in the first editing phase of my second novel (My first was so shite I abandoned it), September Rain. I stopped editing a while back due to, emmm…. laziness. But now I’m BACK! I’ve decided on a big change in the tone of the novel and now have to write it in and remove anything that pulls the reader away from it.

I’d rather edit a hard copy of the novel as I feel that it would make it easier for me, but I don’t have a printer, I’m looking into buying one soon (any suggestions would be appreciated). Right now I’m editing on the machine I’m writing on, my iPad Pro (The big one).

Monday 17th July

Work went well, a pretty easy, relaxing day, just putting up some fencing. Most likely be doing that for the next few days. It’s a long fucking fence. After two big jobs back to back, it’s nice to have one that isn’t difficult, doesn’t require any real thought, that we can just relax while doing. No stress.

Got home a little after 5pm, had a shower, then got started editing. This edit is just a quick pass to clean shit up. I haven’t read any of this since I wrote it, so it needs some clarification. I started editing at about 6pm. It’s now 8:18pm and I’ve edited 3 chapters (quick pass, remember?). There are 34 chapters so at this rate it shouldn’t take long to get through it all before I start really editing this bitch. And of course this quick edit will get me reacquainted with the story. Yay!

I listened to The Velvet Underground & Nico and drank a glass of Johnnie Walker Double Black Whisky, because, you know, I’m a writer, and writers drink whisky, don’t they?


This is how I want shit to happen, when I’m not writing I should be: planning the next project, developing ideas into something conherant, researching, *drinking whisky, or reading.

Sounds like a plan. Now all I need is the discipline to actually do this.

Wednesday, 19th July

So far the editing is going well. Don’t really have anything to talk about except that last night, after editing six chapters, I felt like I shouldn’t stop, like I owed it to myself to keep going, but sometimes, I just have to say “NO”. I don’t want this to become a chore because if it does I’ll stop.

Right now, I have loud music being played. And by loud I mean bad. And a kid shouting. The same fucking kid that always shouts this time of day. Right when I’m trying to concentrate on writing/editing. My fucking luck.

I seriously need to move out to the country!

Tonight I will be drinking a Laphroaig 10, a Lagavulin 12, and an Ardbeg 10. All Islay Whiskies. This is the challenging stuff. Let the editing continue.

In The Days To Come.

I just opened this mug. A relative sent for me, to be opened to-day.


Yes, I’m 40.

Okay first, I haven’t celebrated my birthday for 24 years.

Second, In the last 40 years I have achieved exactly nothing. So when I look at this mug with it’s slogan “It took 40 years to look this good“, all I can think about is that it has taken my 40 years to get to where I am.


The comment on my previous post mentioned ‘discipline’. That and focus are things my life has been lacking of late.

I think it’s time to shake the tree, to enter a place I’m not comfortable being. To see my day job as an obstacle, an inconvenience, a distraction, something to overcome.


To-day was an expression of most weeks, boss not paying me on time, bills to pay etc etc, ‘cept this week he sent his wife to pay me… Smooth.

Thing is the pay isn’t great and I hate not getting paid on time, or even knowing if that pay will come on Friday (*I get paid weekly*) so I have something for the weekend, and I always get the impression that when I ask to be paid on Saturday because for what ever reason I wasn’t paid in the days before, I feel like I’m putting him out, like I’m doing something wrong by asking. I like most of the work we do. I like Mondays. And although my boss and the guy I work with can annoy me sometimes, I get on well enough with them both. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to do Landscaping for the rest of my life.

That’s why the title is, *Sigh, I want to write novels. I want to write and sell novels. I want to write, sell, and make a living writing novels. I want to be a Published Author.

Is that to much to ask?

I ask myself that a lot in this blog…

I always get that;
> I need to do something about my current circumstances.
Feeling when shit starts to draft away from where I want to be.

I started working as a Landscaper because I was unemployed and in need of money, I hated being a security guard, and this was the first job that came my way that wasn’t that. I like the work, mostly, but it isn’t where I’d like to be. So what do I need to do to get to where I’d like to be?

Well, in short, I need to write. Simple as that. I need to edit and finish my novel. I need to research/study criminology and psychopathology (*to give my villains more depth*) I need I need I need. I need a lot of things, but most of all I need to get out of this comfortable feeling. My Comfort Zone.

I like it, It’s great, I work I get paid, I can buy things. But my biggest problem is Me.

I can’t seem to focus on my goals. I get distracted easily. All the shiny things, all the TV shows and movies to watch. All the social media posts to like and share. All the YouTube videos to view.

We live in a world of distractions, where everything seems more amplified than it did 10 years ago. And I can’t organise my thoughts around all this. My focus is pulled from side to side and I spend my days watching shit, and procrastinating about not being where I think I should be.

I know that in order to get there I need to “Put in the Work”, I need to focus (*that magic word again*) on what I want, and where I want to be. But I find it difficult to just sit and write every day…

Maybe I can’t be a writer!

Maybe I don’t want it bad enough!

Maybe I just too lazy to put in the work!

Every job I’ve had, I’ve been good at. I pick things up quickly, and it’s that which I think is why I get comfortable with what ever job I have. After awhile, it just becomes easy. But writing isn’t easy. It’s a long, slow process of write, edit, repeat. Also on top of that the expense of hiring editors. Finding someone who’s job it is to help you write a good novel, not just read it and then give an opinion.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for I guess. No one ever made a success of themselves but waiting for it to just happen. Waiting for success leads to one thing; You, sitting alone, wishing to had done something. But it’s to late now, your old, you’re gonna die soon. So do something now, roll over and die.

If you want to achieve something, work for it. If you want to be successful, Put in the hours. If you have to sacrifice your social life and some friends, then that’s how it is. Good friends will hang around. Those that don’t weren’t good friends, they only cared their happiness, not yours. Those are the friends that get upset when you disagree with them, that moan when you want to do something they don’t. The friend that must always be the centre of attention.

Right now it’s 15:30 on a Saturday afternoon and I’m here typing this out and wondering if I should open that bottle of Bourbon Whiskey. Maybe I should.

I think I already live a writers lifestyle. Very little by way of a social life. Spend to much time in front of my computer. Drink lots of whisky. And spend most Friday and Saturday nights in.

Rock bottom. Sometimes I wonder if I need to hit it first before I realise that how fucking lazy I am… But I always seem to be floating just above it. In that comfortable zone where ‘Risk’ isn’t a factor. I live a risk free life, and for most people I can imagine that living a risk free life is a good thing. Which is why most people wake up at the crack of dawn. Commute to work 6 days a week. Eat bland, stogie lunches. Work their asses off to make money for other people. The commute with 7 million other people back to their homes where they arrive, if their lucky, around 7pm, have a quick dinner, watch reality television then go to bed in order to repeat it all again the next day.

That readers is my idea of Purgatory. You’re just waiting to die.

I try, I really do, I try to get motivated to write the best novel I can. But my attention will get drawn away and a few weeks later I’ll start to procrastinate again. I’ll write another blog post about it and my self-doubt. Self-hate. Self-Loathing. All. That negative Self-stuff will come flooding back. I work with people that have only ever had one job. Landscaping is all they have done or thought about doing. Neither of them have aspirations to be anything else, they are happy to just be, Landscapers.

I’m not.

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